Flawless, I am not….

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Wednesday morning, The Middle Child walked into my room dressed in business attire.  I found this a little odd, since she was taking the PSAT and would not even see her business ed teacher.  “Why the hell do you have that on?” I asked.  “The teacher is going to actually check and see if we are wearing it in the PSAT “, she said.  I was not even out of the bed yet.  This was just too much for me to process at 6:15am.  I got up.  “Wait just one damn minute” I said, as she walked out.  I turned on the light and checked her out real good.  She looked nice, yet uncomfortable.  She had gotten that dress at Ann Taylor two years ago, and while it did technically still fit, there was no way in hell that she was going to be able to concentrate on the PSAT in that thing for 3.5 hours.  She had on her Liz Claiborne blazer from the suit we had bought her for the play she was in–in the 5th grade.  She is in the 8th grade now.  Needless to say, the sleeves of the blazer are now three-quarter length, but the rest of it fit pretty well.  She really looked pretty.  Still, I was not going to have it.  “Oh, HELL TO THE NAW NAW NAW”, I said. The Middle Child burst out laughing.  (If you are not familiar with Bishop Bullwinkle, please go to YouTube and look him up-it is well worth your time) “Eliza, you are supposed to be comfortable for the PSAT! I am going in the school when I take you and I am going to file a complaint. Get ready!” I really expected her to protest.  If it had been Mini Me, he would rather die than have me walk through the doors of the school with him–much less file a complaint!  God forbid anyone ever see him with me or his dad.  I think he has tried to pretend that he has no family for the past 5 years–at least at school.  (This year, I am the president of the PTSA….so that is not working out so well for him…..bwahahaha) The Middle Child looked at me and said, “THANK YOU! YAY!” and breathed a huge sigh of relief.  When we got in the car, I sent her back in the house to get some regular clothes to change into, just in case… We left early and went to Starbucks so I could be on top of my game.  By the time we got to school, I had been stewing over the business ed clothes for almost an hour.  We walked into the office and one of the secretaries greeted me and asked me what she could do for me.  I explained our dilemma.  She said she better call the assistant principal up to the office. Oh Lord.  See, I have not updated you on what happened after my cute little “I’m at home car-less, yet flawless, like Beyoncé” note that I sent a few weeks ago when Mini Me and The Middle Child were late to school! I thought that note was going to Ms. Crittle, who works in the front office.  She knows me, and I knew she would get a laugh out of it.  I had no idea that note was going to go from Ms. Crittle to Mr. Green…the new assistant principal! AND, Mr. Green picked up the phone and called my husband, at work, to tell him that Mini Me and The Middle Child were not excused from being tardy that day! Now, I am not really sure why he did not just call me, but whatever. I am over that part of it now. I was mortified.  When he called JC, Mr. Green did not mention the “car-less, but flawless” part at all, but you just have to imagine JC at his corporate banking job, sitting there, with the assistant principal of his two oldest kids’ school on the phone….basically because his wife had written this smart ass note about being “car-less, yet flawless…like Beyoncé”–all just trying to be funny.  JC did not find much of it funny. At all.  So….here I was, on Wednesday morning, standing there, waiting for Mr. Green to come to the office because I, Car-less(thought not that day),  Yet Flawless, Like Beyoncé, needed to complain about a teacher who wanted my 14 year old daughter to sit through 3.5 hours of taking the PSAT dressed in uncomfortable business attire!  I was in Athleta sweatpants, a Maroon V shirt, my army green jacket, and my running shoes. Beyoncé would not have been proud.   In walks Mr. Green.  “You did not tell me we had a special guest!” he said to Ms. Howard.  I smiled and said hello.  “I’m not special” I said.  “Yes, you are!” he said, “You’re Beyoncé!”   I thought I would die.  I am sure I turned six shades of red.  I told Mr. Green that, had I known that note would make its way to him, I never would have written it. He told me that the office had gotten a lot of laughs out of that note and that they needed more notes like it.  Well, I am glad that I was able to entertain everyone, as that was the point of the note in the first place!  Mr. Green asked me what he could do for me.  I explained that The Middle Child was dressed in this very uncomfortable business attire, and was not even going to see her business ed teacher due to the fact that she was going to be taking the PSAT all morning, yet according to The Middle Child, said business ed teacher was going to be checking to make sure that all students were dressed in their business attire even if they were not in her class that day!   I told Mr. Green that I really thought that The Middle Child needed to be in some much more comfortable clothing in order to do her very best on the PSAT, and this 2-year-old Ann Taylor frock and this 3-year-old Liz Claiborne blazer were not it!  I told him that she had other clothes in her backpack.  Mr. Green seemed to agree with me, that the whole idea of this was somewhat preposterous, seeing as though it was “jeans and a t-shirt day” for the staff and administration!  He said that he would take The Middle Child to see the business ed teacher and see if they could come up with something that would work for both of us–like maybe she could change for the PSAT and change back into the business attire after the test.  He asked if that suited me, and of course, it did.  I thanked him very much.  I really do not like pestering teachers or the administration of the school for just anything, but I felt like this was important.  I told The Middle Child I loved her and good luck on the PSAT and good-bye, see you later, au revoir, and hasta la vista baby.  About 10 minutes later, I got a text message from The Middle Child.  It read….CHARLES WAS WRONG OMG …… This translates to: I did not check with my teacher. I listened to my friend, who obviously did not know what the hell he was talking about.  It was never business ed attire day to begin with. Ever. Because what sane teacher would actually make their students dress like that if they weren’t even coming to her class that day? Well, that is taking it a step too far. I have actually  known teachers who would do this. Anyway. You get my drift.

Alrighty then.  I wanted to text her back: THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT  but I refrained.  Instead, I texted back: OMG   Later on, she texted me: I LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT and I texted her back:  AS DID I   BUT NO WORRIES 😉 JUST ROCK ON WITH YOUR BADASS SELF.  LOVE YOU.

Ten years ago, I would not have dreamed of going in and complaining about business ed attire-for fear it would upset somebody.  The older I get, the more I really don’t give a shit who I am upsetting, especially if I am taking up a cause for one of my kids; HOWEVER, I would really appreciate it if my kids would have all of their facts straight before I go to bat for them…. 😉

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