Steam Shower Torture Chamber

I went to my Daddy and (his fianceé) Toni’s farm on Saturday to spend the night–for Father’s Day.  I was amused as I drove up the driveway, to see my (city-boy, still working everyday, architect, age 71) Daddy in overalls and a long sleeved tee shirt, with a big straw hat on, driving a big, green John Deere tractor out in the field.  I did literally laugh out loud. The house is not quite finished yet, but almost. It is really fabulous.  It has things in it that my simple self has never even seen or thought of before….like a pot filler. Now, this is a fantastic idea! A pot filler! A faucet right over the stovetop! All you have to do is put the pot under it and turn the damn thing on and you can fill the pot up right there without having to move it from the sink to the stove! Whoever invented that thing was a genius, I tell you!  And the laundry sink….OH MY LORD.  It is a wonder.  You fill that thing up a few inches and push a button, and damn if it isn’t a jacuzzi for hand-wash-only clothes! Or, it could be the perfect place to soak your tired feet!  The little things, people, the little luxuries of life. How is that I have gone 45.5  years and not even heard of such fabulousness?  While these two little things were knocking my socks off, like a country-girl-come-to-town, which was so ass-backwards and hilarious, since I am the one from Atlanta and I had traveled from there to a farm in Seneca, SC, there was one more thing….remarkable sans pareil…..The Steam Shower.  It was a majestic pièce de résistance.  They said I must try it.  I wanted to, but I said I would try it on Sunday morning when I got up.  We had a great day and did things that we like to do.  It was very relaxing.  We had been in New York City earlier this week, so this was quite a nice change of scenery!  I forgot to mention that I brought The Baby with me.  When my Daddy cooked some tilapia on the grill for dinner, The Baby deemed it “the best he had ever had in his lifetime–even better than Mom has ever cooked”, and he looked at me and apologized.  I told him that was totally okay, because it was better than any I had ever cooked!  The Baby then took a regular shower in the Steam Shower and said it was truly the “greatest shower he had ever taken in his lifetime”.  It had already crossed my mind that going home was really going to suck.  No bathroom in our house compared to any of the bathrooms at The Farm, and I could never cook tilapia again, which happened to be one of the few things our whole family would eat.  We all went to bed and slept until 9:00am.  After we had been up for a little while and I had some coffee, I asked if it was okay if I took a shower.  They got real excited. “YES! A STEAM SHOWER! YOU WILL LOVE IT!” Toni said.  I followed her back to the bathroom.  She set it all up for me and told me how to work it.  I was having these flashbacks from when I was a little girl.  We had a sauna in our house.  It was all made of redwood.  We would get in it with Daddy and he would pour water over those rocks and make them steam up and it would be hotter than hell in there.  He would get mad if one of us had to run out because it would make cold air come in.  We would run down the hall and out the door and jump in the swimming pool.  I did not really like the sauna then.  I don’t really like being hot, but I would rather be hot than cold.  I was willing to try this steam shower, but I was not overly excited about it.  I got my shampoo and stuff–for after the steam part–and got in.  At first, I thought I was going to choke.  Should I have brought my inhaler in here?  Was this dangerous for people with asthma? Then I told myself not to be ridiculous. It was probably good for people with asthma.  I looked at the thermometer.  The temperature was rising.  It was at 90° and I was instantly sweating all over.  Why do people actually like this? I thought.  By the time it got to 110°, I was thinking, there is no way in hell I can do this.   But then, I thought, I will not be the wuss that has to get out of here before the timer goes off. I won’t do it.  I started doing chair dips from the marble bench-it was the perfect height.  I did 50.  Then I did 50 more. At least I wasn’t just sitting there, doing nothing.  I was making good use of my time! Then, I decided I would go ahead and shave my legs.  So I did that.  I looked at the timer.  I still had 16 minutes. Oh MY GOD.  50 more chair dips.  I touched the wall, thinking it would be cool. Nope. It was hot.  I stood up. Hot. I kneeled down. Hot.  I found out that Van Michael is right–I do actually have curly hair! It kinked up real good in there. I had never seen it or believed it before, but I do now! If I had been able to take my phone in there, I would have taken a picture!  At one point, I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but I talked myself out of it.  I was sitting there, on the bench, looking at those fogged up glass walls, thinking of writing, “As I Lay Dying….” or perhaps writing out my own last will and testament….but I knew that would not go over well 😉  I looked at the clock again.  Finally…down to under 5 minutes.  I had to get some relief.  I put my hand on the bench.  It was a little cool.  I decided that I did not care whose-naked-what had been there before me, I was putting my cheek (the one on my face!) on that damn bench, and by God, I did.  And it helped tremendously.  I turned my head and put the other one on there.  At this point, I was thinking that governments could use this thing to torture secrets out of people.  I know I would have told somebody anything they wanted to know just to get the hell out of that damn thing when the timer went off.  I looked at the clock and I was starting to get a little light headed.  I could have sworn it said .06 seconds, but damn if it wasn’t 16 seconds! When that thing went off, I turned the cold water on full blast and it shot down from the big, round rainfall shower head like manna from heaven.  I had survived.  I almost burst out with the Hallelujah Chorus, but I was afraid I might faint. I stayed beet red for about an hour and a half.  I have to admit, I felt great for the rest of the day.  If there is one thing I have learned, it’s never say never.…..but I will really have to think hard about doing that one again! 😉

5 thoughts on “Steam Shower Torture Chamber

  1. I nearly fell over laughing! It reminded me of taking steam at a resort. There was no clock or indication of when I should leave the room. I was alone, with no way of marking time. I stayed there until I thought I would pass out and the attendants gave me heck for staying in there so long!

  2. Loved reading this! I thought you were going to say that you had the steam shower timer on the wrong setting, but I’m glad you survived. I feel your pain about the frizzy curly hair!

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